An Honest Politician's Voicemail Message

Hello. You have reached the voicemail of Doo DeRight Thang. Please listen to all of the available options as they may change due to the crisis of the day.

To pressure me to fix a ticket or the corporate equivalent, press 1.
To pressure me to find your idiot friend or relative a job, press 2.
To complain about corruption in government, press 3.
For all other requests, press 4.

If you are a stalker, please call 911 and leave a message. Otherwise, hold the line and an operator will be with you shortly. Please remember that you elected me to public office, you did not hire me to prepare your bottle. Thanks for calling, and have a nice day.