It Couldn’t Happen Here:
Mayor Moolaman Runs for the House

Spinnerville, Massachusetts
June 1, 2006
For Immediate Release

Mayor I. Hart Moolaman of Spinnerville said in a statement today that he was filing papers to run for the House of Representatives on the Lobbycrat ticket. He stated that the focus of his campaign and of his first term in office would be to pass the municipal-ordinance line-item veto for real-estate developers.

Mayor Moolaman said, "For too long, the free exercise of property rights in Massachusetts has been inhibited by poorly written municipal zoning. Here in Spinnerville, for example, the Planning Board’s decision on the Dissembly Square exhaust generator was overturned by the courts on a technicality because the Board couldn't word the decision properly. Then when the Board of Aldermen rewrote the zoning to lock in the facility, that decision was overturned by the courts on another technicality. Obviously we should rely on the developers, they have the moolah to hire the finest legal minds in Massachusetts."

When asked how he would fund his campaign, Mayor Moolaman said with a wink, "I’ve made quite a bit of moolah with my law practice, and I expect my true constituents to be generous."
Alderman Luce Ozman said, “I fully support Mayor Moolaman’s run for the House and his long-delayed effort to resolve the problems we have with zoning in Massachusetts.” With disarming candor, Alderman Ozman added, "I confess, I had to ask the Khia Pett Furniture Company's lawyer to explain some of the amendments I was making to the Dissembly Square zoning. He was very helpful. I think it's much better to allow developers to pick and choose the rules they're going to develop under. After all, it's their money at stake."

Lucas Greene, of the Khia Pett Furniture Company, said, "We’re always pleased to help out state and local governments where we grow our business. We expect to have a long and profitable relationship with Spinnerville and the rest of Massachusetts, and look forward to working with Representative Moolaman in the future. Remember, Khia Pett Furniture grows on you!”

Alderman Lem E. Sleepe said, "I’m glad the Mayor is going all out to set things straight, and I support his run for the House one hundred percent. Frankly, I'm tired of all this fuss from the special interests with their statistics about how air pollution causes lung cancer and heart disease. My granddaddy smoked stogies every day of his life, and he lived for ninety years."

Alderman A. M. Spinelos said, “What I say is, where there’s smoke, there’s work -- if nothing else, for the health-care industry, the fastest-growing segment of the American economy. I’m glad the Mayor supported the Dissembly Square project, it’s an exhaust generator we can all be proud of. I’m glad, and proud, to throw my support behind his run for the House of Representatives.”

Mayor Moolaman said that he was looking forward to representing his true constituents  in the House of Representatives and expected to run a forceful campaign against special interests.